I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
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Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Message from the dog groomers
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck