i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
You Might Also Like
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I love the honesty
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”