I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
You Might Also Like
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”