I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
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Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale