I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
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I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram