I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
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Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much