I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
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Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Leaving the Barbers like
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
umm…
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
He wanted to make sure😂
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god