I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
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If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Everyone’s family
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?