I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
You Might Also Like
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
This could be us… but you playing
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple