I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
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We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.