I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
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“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.