I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
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Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I want this so bad
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.