I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
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[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?