@OilCan314 I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
@yoyoha I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
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@OilCan314 
@proEXgirlfriend People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
@lovemydogduck I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
@UncleDuke1969 Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
@inturnaround I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
@weinerdog4life What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
@TheTweetOfGod What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
@PoodleSnarf I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
@reallifemommy3 If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
@Author_jo_jo Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.