
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage