@slimmy_shady Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
@yoyoha I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
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@slimmy_shady 
@BruceForce Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
@LeonHWolf How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
@SardonicTart Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
@relatabledad dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
@causticbob I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
@smells_fine [God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
@AnOrangeSNES If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
@JasonLastname It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
@BuckyIsotope Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage