I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

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I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.


People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.


I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.


Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.


What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone


What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.


I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet


If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in


Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.