I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
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WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Van Gone
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.