I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
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you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope