I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
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Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”