@krisv_723 Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
@EmaSlema I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
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@krisv_723 
@Ideal_Victoria Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
@DearAuntAbby I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
@MarfSalvador Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
@Parkerlawyer My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
@XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
@heatherjs Does your wife know you’re single?
@YuckyTom a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
@Drayzze_2 Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
@LoveNLunchmeat My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.