I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
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News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I only eat vegetarians.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.