I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
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EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Um … Hot Wings please
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”