I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
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Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: Itâs ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
This year for Mothers Day, Iâd just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we canât afford it.
Me: thatâs not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we canât afjord it.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
imagine my surprise when i learned the word âbrieflyâ does not, in fact, mean âunderwearlyâ
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
me: Iâm going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: Iâm going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! đđ
murdering your brother and then responding âi donât know. am i my brotherâs keeper?â when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they donât make characters like that anymore.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh đ
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Me: Youâre sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a huâ
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
This week’s mood.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job