I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
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Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?