I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
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If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”