I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
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I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.