I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
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During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.