I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
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CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Breaking news:
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)