I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
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Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?