I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
You Might Also Like
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
My whole life was a lie.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*