I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
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“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR