I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
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pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.