I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
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bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out