I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
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Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
there has never been a better use of this meme
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.