I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I put the p in pants.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.