I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
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Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I want this so bad
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water