I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
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i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.