I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
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At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”