I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
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Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Where is your GOD now????
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.