Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.