I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
A small tragedy.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.