I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
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Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time