I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
You Might Also Like
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles