I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
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me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed