I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
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*serious situation*
My brain:
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf