@AndrewProTV

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

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@OllyiConic

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

@mamatomy3

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

@Shanehasabeard

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

@Gre_Gone

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

@ddsmidt

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

@houffy

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

@TheBoydP

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?