Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@OllyiConic

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

@mamatomy3

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

@meganamram

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

@Shanehasabeard

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

@Gre_Gone

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

@LeonEarlgrey

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

@ddsmidt

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

@houffy

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

@TheBoydP

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

@thehubrispanda

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.