DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
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My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.