I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
You Might Also Like
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.