I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
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the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
The sacred texts.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd