I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
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[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps