I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You Might Also Like
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.