I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
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A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Good morning!
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave