I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
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knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry