I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
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My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky