I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
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CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
spicy snake
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Kids, do not try this at home!
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re